あなたは、私の防御を破るときに, と私は無防備なままに....

'When you break my defences, and leave me defenseless...'

I have no idea if that is the correct translation but I tried, In a few years I might cry at all my mistakes kkk^^

So, I never really thought about the defences I actually put up sometimes. To keep people at distance. To keep my own thoughts at distance. To avoid getting hurt, from my own expectations, as well as others expectations for me. 

When my head is getting filled with too many worrying/bad thoughts, its like my brain knows this instantly, and these thoughts are quickly pushed aside. And then I'm alright again. For this defence I'm so thankful, for without it I would lose the little sanity I have, and go insane. 

But then there's another defence of mine, that I wish wasn't as strong as it is. A defence which makes me find excuses for people's actions thowards me. For me, if it's something that makes me too happy, I get thoughts like, 'maybe they didn't mean it like that, maybe they were just being polite'...And I put myself down, Like i don't deserve that kind of happiness. Or like 'these kinds of thing doesn't happen to me'. I burn bridges. I miss oppurtunities. I don't let people in. Being scared. Like a friend would say, I'm being a pussy.

This is the one defence I don't like, but it's nearly impossible for me to break this one on my own. And not all people are patient enough, to stay around and break it for me. For those who's done it, I'm so thankful, all though the number of people who has, is only a handful.

I want to learn not to be afraid. I want to learn to take more chances. I want to let more people in. The fear of getting hurt I am going to fight away. Live, learn and laugh, and be thankful. I will strive for that.

And now I will strive for passing my test tomorrow! >.<